


You'll Never Find Out

by okayhotshot



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-04
Updated: 2015-08-04
Packaged: 2018-04-12 23:56:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4499736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okayhotshot/pseuds/okayhotshot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You’ll never find out, you remind yourself, even as you’re standing in her quarters, pouring your heart out to her, you think that you’ll never get to experience all of these things with her. But as usual, she proves you wrong. She’s always proving you wrong, and as much as you love to be right, you’d be wrong every day for the rest of your life if you could have her. </p><p>Written for Kaidan Appreciation Week 2015 on Tumblr.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You'll Never Find Out

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: So This was kind of on my mind and I wanted to share it. I hope that you guys enjoy it. This one of my first times writing in this POV, so I hope I did okay. Anyway, here goes nothing.

_It starts out innocently enough, a few stolen glances when no one else is looking, a few flirtatious conversations at your work station. It shouldn’t have made your mind wander, but in the dead of night, when you’re lying awake in your small bunk in the crew’s quarters, you can’t stop yourself from thinking about what it might be like to wrap your arms around her and tug her close to you, to press your lips to hers._

_“ **You’ll never find out** ,” you tell yourself and you try to brush it off.   
_

_But the next time you see her, it’s hard to keep yourself from remembering the frivolous moments you allowed yourself to imagine. And it’s even harder to keep yourself from acting on them, but she’s your commanding officer, and probably just being friendly._

_But she doesn’t shut down your flirting, in fact, she encourages it, returns the favor with ease and part of you wonders if maybe you’re just being hopeful. But you can’t deny that she comes to talk to you often, not just at your work station, in the mess hall too, and she seems to enjoy your company._

_You wonder what it would be like to sit with her in silence, her head against your shoulder as you read, your arm slung around her, enjoying the calm that she brings you. You allow yourself to think about what it might be like to be able to comfort her in the moments that she allows herself to be weak. To kiss away her tears, to let her know that someone is there for her. Because you’ve seen traces of her sadness._

_**You’ll never find out** , you’re sure of it. Because even though you’ve made cautious comments about how you’ve picked up on her subtle flirting, as she points out, there are regulations. And you’ve never been one for breaking the rules, especially not in the Alliance, because they saw the good in you despite your shortcomings, but, she sees that and more, and God, you would give up everything to make her yours. _

_As the two of you grow closer, you start to think of things you shouldn’t. What her skin must feel like against yours, what sounds she might make as your run your hands over her body, and what she might do if you whispered things in her ear._

_**You’ll never find out** , you remind yourself, even as you’re standing in her quarters, pouring your heart out to her, you think that you’ll never get to experience all of these things with her. But as usual, she proves you wrong. She’s always proving you wrong, and as much as you love to be right, you’d be wrong every day for the rest of your life if you could have her. _

_***_

_At first you think losing her is a nightmare, some cruel trick of your mind. You often wake, expecting to find her side of the bed warm, to see her emerging from the bathroom, only to crawl back in beside of you, but for once she proves you right, and being wrong has never felt more like a death sentence._

_You wonder what it’s like to forget her sometimes. If things would be easier if you couldn’t remember what her voice sounded like in the mornings, groggy and hazy with sleep as you kissed her eyelids, and held her close to you for “just one more minute”. You wish you didn’t know the way she smiled only at you, tossing them to you when she thought no one else was watching, and winking when you could do nothing but return them._

_You wonder what it’s like to forget the flutter in your chest, and the knots in your stomach you felt every time she pressed her lips to yours. You wonder what it’s like to forget her, but you know **you’ll never find out**. _

_***_

_When the rumors start, you wonder why fate is so cruel. You know she’s gone, she floated away with the remains of the Normandy, and there was nothing left of the woman that you loved, and still love, and will always love. You didn’t even get to say goodbye, not the way you wanted._

_There’s no way she’s really alive. She would have let you know. She would have contacted you. The Shepard you know wouldn’t just abandon everything she stood for and join forces with Cerberus. You know her history with that organization. After what happened on Akuze, she would never._

_But it’s soon clear that the rumors or more than just that. Someone’s saving the galaxy like only she can and you hear whispers about those who have seen her on the Citadel. You don’t want to believe the hype. You can’t imagine Shepard betraying you this way._

_**You’ll never find out**  if it’s true or not, you tell yourself, but deep down you already know the truth. _

_***_

_When you see her on Horizon, standing underneath the sun, more beautiful than you can remember, it’s like staring at ghost. Instead of feeling your heart leap in your chest like you thought it might, it just sinks into the depths of your stomach and it feels like you’ve swallowed a brick of lead._

_You can’t stop yourself from embracing her. You have to feel her, make sure she’s real, but you know that touching her isn’t enough to prove that. She could be a shadow of the person that went down with her ship._

_And you want to tell her that you understand, but her explanations make no sense. What reason could she possibly have to work with the very people that brought her down? You try to stay calm, but your words are laced with venom, and your voice has a harshness that you never would have dared to use on her before._

_“You turned your back on everything we believed in,” you tell her, unable to stop yourself even though you can see the hurt in the eyes that you never thought you’d see again. “You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me.”  
_

_And even after that, when you turn to go, you tell her to take care because even if you don’t agree with what she’s doing, you love her and you can’t imagine the galaxy without her in it, not again._

_**You’ll never find out** , you assure yourself. But after that display, you’re not sure she’ll ever want to see you again. _

_***_

_It’s months before you see her again, closer to a year, and it’s a miracle that she’s still living. If anyone was headstrong enough to say “fuck the council” and lead a suicide mission into the Omega 4 Relay, it was Shepard. Because unlike you, she’s never been a stickler for rules and it’s good to know that she might not have changed as much as you thought she did._

_You had every opportunity to see her while she was in custody on Earth, and nothing was stopping you from emailing her, to tell her about your promotion, to try and put out the fire on the burning bridge between the two of you, but you just don’t. It’s so hard to forget the years that you spent grieving her and other days it’s hard for you to remember that she might not be the same woman you’ve spent years loving._

_When you see her again, it’s different than the last time. She’s softened slightly, and it makes your heart melt. She’s still so beautiful and you have to remind yourself to be professional. She doesn’t give you the same courtesy, however, a casual greeting, and she gives you that smile, your smile, the one you could never forget._

_And then you’re working with her again and it’s hard to hold your tongue. You make no secret of the fact that you’re still wary of her presence, but you also don’t try to hide the fact that you still love her._

_“I just need to know,” you say to her on Mars. “Is the person that I followed to hell and back, the person that I love, still in there somewhere?”  
_

_And, God, if her response doesn’t make you love her more. Even after all this time, after everything, you can’t believe she still loves you. You have to be the luckiest man alive and one day, if things are set right between the two of you, you knows that you’ll tell her that._

_But not long after that, in a blur, everything hurts and your body goes limp as it falls to the ground, and you hear her screaming in the distance, and it’s the most awful sound you’ve ever heard, you never want her to feel the pain you felt when you lost her, but it’s so hard to keep your eyes open. And you want to see what her face looks like when you tell her that you still love her. But as your eyes drift close, your last thought it that **you’ll never find out**. _

***

_She comes to visit you often, despite all of the insane tasks that she has to complete. You don’t mind, you live for her company, and she calmness she used to bring you is back again, and any sense of restlessness that you feel is gone when she’s in the room with you._

_She always looks like she wants to ask you something,_   _even when she’s smiling with you and you know she’s thinking about what happened on Horizon. She doesn’t have to tell you, but you want her to be able to talk to you like she used to. So you tell her to open up and she hesitate, of course, seeing the state that you’re in, but finally admits what you already know._

_“Just know that I’m not seeing anyone, and I still care,” you tell her. “That’s how we’re going to get past Horizon.”_

_She leans in and presses a gentle kiss to your lips. It’s brief and light, but everything that you’ve needed over the past three years. You tell yourself that **you’ll never find out** what a world without her kisses would be like again. _

_***_

_You almost want to laugh at the fact that the crew never gets a moment of peace. Shore leave is supposed to be, well, nice. Instead someone’s trying to kill your girlfriend._

_But on the bright side, in a twisted turn of events, you managed to save the day for once and she’s looking at you like you hang the stars in the sky. You could get used to it._

_Once she’s done talking to EDI, she approaches you, a smirk on her lips as she slips her arms around your neck. You don’t hesitate to wrap your arms around her and pull her close._

_“You know, it was nice seeing you in action back there,” she whispers. “It was, uh, pretty hot.”_

_“Why thank you,” is all you say in response, unable to keep yourself from smiling. You love when she’s like this affectionate and unafraid to show it.  
_

_“What would I do without you?” she whispers to you.  
_

_And the only words that you can find, are the ones you’ve told yourself so many times._

_“ **You’ll never find out** ,” you tell her, and you hope that you’re right.  
_

_***_

_“I can’t believe you’re doing this,” Joker says to you as the doors to jewelry store open before the two of you. “You don’t even know if we’re going to win.”  
_

_“Yeah, well, extra motivation,” you insist.  
_

_This is more than an impulse, you tell yourself. You love her and the minute this war is over, you want nothing more than to be with her forever. You know it might be smarter to wait until after the war to buy the ring, but like you told Joker, this just might be the extra motivation that you need to believe that you can do this._

_“If you say so,” Joker says, casually glancing into a display case nearby. “You sure you can find one she’ll like anyway?”  
_

_“Just nothing too fancy,” you tell him. “You know her. Almost as well as I do.”  
_

_“Not in the biblical sense, of course,” Joker says with a smirk. “That’s your area of expertise.”  
_

_“What does EDI know?” you ask, a smile on your face._

_Joker simply laughs and you try to keep yourself from wondering if Shepard would even say yes if you asked._

_“ **You’ll never find ou** t,” a voice in the back of your mind says, but you ignore it. You’re just scared like everybody else.   
_

_***_

_“Don’t leave me behind,” you plead with her, even though you know it’s no use. You’re injured and even though she doesn’t say it, you know that you’ll only slow her down. But you can’t stand the thought of leaving, not now. The last time you left her in the heat of a battle, she didn’t come back. And you can’t stand the thought of that happening again, because this time, there’s no Cerberus, no Illusive Man to put her back together again.  
_

_“Listen,” she says, taking deliberate steps towards you, a hand resting on your bloodied cheek. “No matter what happens, know that I love you, always.”  
_

_A soft smile is all you can manage at first It takes a split second for you to reply with an “I love you, too” before Garrus is pulling you onto the ship and the last image you have of her is of her pulling her gun out again and heading towards the beam, disappearing in the blinding light._

_You wish you could know everything that was happening out there, but you know that **you’ll never find out**._

_***_

_It’s been weeks since the war ended, and there’s still been no word from Shepard. Part of you is devastated, the other part of you wants to believe that there’s still a chance._

_As you stand surrounded by her crew, her family, her friends, grasping the plaque with her name on it, you can’t hold back tears. Unlike the first time you lost her, this feels more real. You know there’s no chance of her return. You know any chance of having a life with her is gone, and you can’t help but think how unfair it is. Fate gave the two of you a second chance and then cut it short._

_As you step forward, your heart is heavy in your chest, and the ring box in your pocket feels like it weighs a million pounds. You swallow hard as you hang her name with those of the rest of the fallen and you wonder what it would be like to have her come back to you._

_**You’ll never find out.** _


End file.
